Currently in Bangkok, Thailand...
Visiting family and my sickly grandmother. =(


Well, I am not sure why I am writing in this..maybe to get a load off my shoulders, but the weight will never be released until I fill this empty hole, this part of me that constantly worries and constantly is scared. Whenever I walk in a store, sit down to eat, am around people, walking on the street, etc. Whenever i am going anywhere, I am always worrying about this. Worrying someone will take notice and ask the question even I can not answer..."Why?" How am I suppose to know? I don't know why. I'm afraid of what will happen afterward, what their view of me will be and the criticism that will take place. I don't want to hear the assumptions that will be made or the stares. If the world was more tolerant of people's differences and different pasts...then maybe I could be open about it, but I can't because the world isn't like that and never will be. I always have to cover it up, change the topic when one asks "What is that?". My my heart starts to beat and my mind wants to run away. If only I could be in a place alone, a place I don't have to struggle everyday to hide what I fear every waking moment. I changed my habits to accommodate this fear and changed the way I view life.

Well, I can't change it and it will always be with me.
Until someone takes notice or until I can figure out a way to lift the weight off my shoulders. Few people understand, one person actually has taken notice of it...and ran away with my dying secret. The others have heard, but have never seen and I hope they never do have too, but it is something I can't stand up to myself.

What makes America unique, in my opinion, is how hundreds of cultures can live in peace with each other in one country. Some of us are Chinese, Irish, German, Mexican, Japanese, etc. You look at other countries and you do not see many cultures combined, you only see that one culture in that one country. My friend mentioned how he envied people from different countries, because you can call it your culture, your people..We're Americans, but can we say we have our own culture? our own type of people?
I love it here..because we have opportunity or "freedom". People do not get flogged for not being straight, 7,000 times like in Saudi Arabia. The government does not go around murdering people like in Iraq or in Africa. Unemployment is low and our technology is amazing. Maybe not as amazing as Japan, but at least we have the western-type toilets. Anyway, America would be even more amazing if the president and the politicians could get their heads out of their asses and do their research and what is RIGHT and equal to everyone.. Not whether they will get votes in the next election or what narrow-minded people will yell in their faces.


I wondered for a long time how my dad felt about gay-marriage.. and I was too scared to ask, but I finally asked on the car ride back home from Applebees... It wasnt the answer I was looking for though. He said he's against it and he didn't know why. I started telling him that there isn't anything wrong with it, that you probably have some gay friends at work and never know. Plus, how would you feel if you couldn't get married? He's Buddhist, but it doesn't say anything bad about it because Thailand is probably one of the few openly countries a transgendered/transsexual person can be...and that's rare. Hopefully he'll change his mind about it one day.

Fall Break = Halo 3 + Beach + Friends ^_^

Yesterday was September 11th!
It seems time passes fast nowadays I barely even remember the details back then. I remember I was in 6th grade, in my English class with Bridgeman (something along the lines of a weird last name) , and she had the television on CNN. They kept giving us the same details and replaying the scene where a plane ran into one of the twin towers. It was before the second plane and after the pentagon plane crash. She handed us an assignment about us having to write an essay about how we felt at the moment. To be honest, I had NO IDEA what a terrorist was. CNN kept repeating the words, but I had never heard of it at the time and kept thinking, " What? a tourist is attacking?" So, i went along with "Oh a tourist! Their vacation must have went wrong" haha. I bet that's why I failed the assignment too. It's depressing to go back and see what had happened and how it could have been prevented, but we learn from our mistakes. That's why our airport security is crazy and better..Not our school security though.

Airport security really could recycle the bottles they throw away.




Anyway, school has been okay..
I've been tired a lot lately and end up sleeping during math, but oh well. We started up in August, and it's been ging by fast. Me and a few other people are trying to start up a GSA (Gay-straight alliance) club to help out kids who really do need the support. I've been a little frustrated with it though because most of my friends really don't care about it and it seems Im alone on a lot of things I feel strongly about. The friend I can count on left for college and she is always busy training for the rowing team. I am on the tennis team now also. It makes me happy, but I have to work extremely hard to catch up with the other Seniors who get lessons and everything! I can only practice with them and watch videos. Good thing tennis doesn't start till next year in January (yay for winter).


-Tarawrz

People say high school will be your most rememberable time of your life and the BEST of your years. But truthfully I dont think I can say that about my time in high school. Maybe it has been and I just don't reocgnize that, but I can barely remember freshman and sophomore year anyway.

During my junior year, I don't believe anything huge happened. I have decided to major in some kind of art stuff..No idea. I am not the greatest at one thing, I'm just good and medicore at everything. So, I have no idea what my real talent is.I'm at least hoping to play Rugby or Soccer during Senior year so maybe that will help somehow.
I really have missed playing sports. What has keep me from doing it? transportion, being self conscious and afraid, of course.

This summer I'm hoping will be eventful. In June, there's the Pride parade (no idea how I'm going), Graduation parties for friends, babysitting, going to California again and visiting the southern part this time. LA and San Diego. ^_^ In July, MAYBE the Southern Girls Rock N Roll Camp... I dont know. I'm afraid X_X It'll be my last year too... I'm so self-conscious, I hate it. I guess I will do it, otherwise I'll regret it later. UmM, yeah. Lots of hanging out with friends, being bored with babystting, and playing tennis!!! <3